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Take the Fear Out of Facing Others

Handling Verbal Confrontation

  

Introduction

Handling Verbal Confrontation is an uplifting and revealing book that can improve your skill level when verbally confronting others. The book presents a step-by-step method to obtain commitment resulting from win-win-win confrontations.

It offers sound advice on how you can build relationships in the midst of adversarial situations. It demonstrates how you can learn to become an accurate communicator and a respected confronter. Also you will have an opportunity to learn how to put an end to fear and make confronting a non-painful event.

Handling Verbal Confrontation is for the general audience. The examples, scenarios, and illustrations used portray business and domestic settings. Depending on the need, the book is intended for managers, parents, teachers, supervisors, nurses, teenagers, bankers, health care providers, realtors, day care workers, police and other social service personnel. Special editions of this work are in preparation that focus on specific occupations and vocations.

Handling Verbal Confrontation presents the Confrontation Model--a proven method which increases your confidence to confront others without fear. In addition to aiding learning and guidance, we also use models to explain the actions illustrated associated with the model's behaviors, styles, and processes.

Two models which will help us achieve higher levels of success when we confront are (1) The Accurate Communication Model and (2) The Confrontation Model.

These models are replicas of some real-world phenomena that we use for increasing insight; just as the hammer and screwdriver are tools for the carpenter, so these models are tools for the architect, the scientist, the manager, and the parent.

The following brief story describes how the Confrontation Model came to be. One day, while I was coaching a supervisor in a manufacturing plant, the supervisor said, --Without a tool, confronting others is too hard for me to do. If I had a some kind of confrontation tool, I could use it to confront my people. You know, something I can see, touch, and feel.-- He picked up a screw driver and demonstrated his skill using it. Then he turned to me, and said, --Give me a confrontation tool, and I'll develop the skills to use it.--

This challenge led me to develop the Confrontation Model. Once it was developed and implemented, it took the form of an interpersonal tool--
Excerpt HVC Book--Introduction

Verbal Confrontation: The Forgotten Art!

The process of confronting teaches us
how to better understand ourselves, which in turn,
enables us to confront others with more success.

--Robert Gerard

One of the major inadequacies of our culture is our inability to verbally confront one another. It kills interpersonal relationships. It is a time bomb within families. It causes low productivity, promotes mediocre performance, business failures, law suits, marital arguments, boredom, and apathy. It creates stress and heartaches. It increases our consumption of aspirin, alcohol, and drugs. Very few even recognize it as a problem, and even fewer know what to do about it.

The Forgotten Art!
Did your school ever teach you how to confront verbally? Was confronting others part of your English or Speech class? A few of us have been trained in these areas, most notably, lawyers, military personnel, executives, and sales people. But what about employees of a large organization? You?

When an issue or situation is not properly confronted, can you sense the frustration? Can you feel the tension of the situation increase? The turmoil and confusion? Do you know the cost of the loss of trust, confidence, and money? The forgotten art of saying what is on your mind from the bottom of your heart has gone to pasture. Our ability to stand for our rights has been replaced by apathy, superficiality, and anything for a quiet life.

Well, my friends, those days are about to end. You are about to learn a new and proven technique that will help you to confront verbally and reach a mutual agreement through collaboration.

At the heart of conflict resolution lies the more sophisticated process of confrontation. Confronting simply means addressing or attending to an issue--not aggressive combat! Later, we will develop a detailed model of confrontation, but for the moment, let's clarify four important terms:

--Issue--the essential point of, and reason for, the discussion which needs to be confronted and mutually resolved.
Excerpt from HVC Book--page 1

The Twelve Basic Steps for Accurate Communication

To help you become an Accurate Communicator, I have listed twelve basic steps. The more you practice each step, the better the outcome. You will feel more confident because you are bringing respect into the communication process. And when you do this, the relationship flourishes. Practice each step until you have embedded it into your normal communication routine, and you will have a life-long skill.

1. Desire and Visualize what you want to say. Envision your desire in picture form with as much detail as possible, including the desired outcome.
2. Set your Intent. What exactly is your intent? (e.g. -- desire to speak from the core of my heart, to express my love to you).
3. Expand your Consciousness. This important step connects you to your higher-self and ensures balance in what you will communicate into the relationship. To do this, take a deep breath, center and feel your essence, then raise your consciousness at least three feet above your head.
4. Do not prejudge the conversation or the outcome. Do not put expectations or rationale onto the potential of the conversation. Instead, formulate what would be beneficial to the conversation and stay focused on that.
5. Center yourself to open up to your own intuition. Intuition could be said to be: knowing something previously unknown, and knowing that it is now known. When in balance, permit intuition to flow through you as if your higher-self was doing the talking.
6. Stay focused in the now to enhance your perception of the transmission. Stay focused and permit your senses to assist you. Reading nonverbal signals and facial expressions heighten your perceptive powers and help you better understand what is being transmitted and received.
7. Ascertain that the receiver has granted you attention. It is best to have 100% attention from the receiver before proceeding with any conversation. The less attentive the receiver, the more will be lost in the dialogue.
8. Be precise with your wording. Extra words only add extra noise to interpret. Keep it simple and clear.
9. Feel that what is being said comes from your heart. When it comes from the heart, it feels sincere and reflects your total being. If it comes solely from the intellect, it could be cold and without compassion.
10. Listen attentively to yourself as you speak each word. Reaffirm that what you are saying is necessary to your intent. Make sure that what you say respectfully gets the point across.
11. Receive acknowledgment that you been correctly understood. Make sure the listener understood you. Look for a response that assures you that you are both talking the same talk.
12. Self-confirm that your intent, communicated and acknowledged, has been manifested and is now complete. Once the dialogue has been completed, verify that your intent has been properly conveyed and addressed. Your conversation is now complete. Feel balanced and sense your wholeness. Feel joy!

In summary, Accurate Communications means balance with our mind, intellect, and heart. It is intuitively driven, resonates authenticity, and provides opportunity for wisdom to shine forth. Both speaker and listener can apply these skills, and in so doing, they can create their own personal human trinity. Once accomplished, the relationship becomes its own entity and thus forms a relational human trinity. As each of us experiences speaking accurately, we find that it also applies to listening. Relationships based on accurate communication are major components of self-mastery.
Excerpt from HVC--Page 39-40

The 3-phase Approach to the Confrontation Model

Experience gained from the many people who have used the Confrontation Model shows that you might initially be defensive or intimidated by its power and directness. You might either rush into confronting every issue in your life, or feel overwhelmed and reject the model and its techniques.

To avoid either situation, we will use a three-phase learning process to ease into the model comfortably and systematically without intimidation.

1. De-programming--first accept that your way of confronting may be problematic and stressful. The psychological and behavioral scripting that you may have used in the past has not served you and must evolve. But do not be discouraged. Very few people can do this naturally. The De-Programming Phase is critical. It allows for the psychological adjustments to be made as you learn the power behind the model.
2. Scripting--here is where you incorporate the basic techniques of the model with the understanding that it serves to build relationships. By this stage, you will have relinquished most of your fears about using the techniques. Constant repetition and replay of each technique reinforces your ability to concentrate on the issue and coach the confrontee towards a win-win-win outcome.
3. Personalizing.--By now, you will have obtained a solid level of comfort and confidence using the techniques. Now you begin to modify the techniques to some extent in order to personalize them or feel comfortable with your verbal and non-verbal style.

Excerpt from HVC--Page 43

Nonverbal Characteristics for Each Confrontation Behavior Type

Aggressive, passive, and assertive behaviors provide you with valuable nonverbal clues which help you better understand the individual's behavior during the confrontation process.

Aggressive
A most unfavorable behavior. Aggressive confrontation behavior is dominant, commonly resulting in a put-down of the other person. He tends to choose for others, rather than let them choose for themselves. An aggressive person invades other people's space, making them feel defensive and often humiliated. Although the aggressive person seeks to impose his point of view in the confrontation, he does not appropriately express his feelings, which later may result in guilt.

Your approach: Don't counter-attack! You may initially agree, but don't accept his response (unless it is correct); ask for more insight and understanding. Ask him to repeat his answer or statement. Don't get emotional, defensive or withdraw. Hold your ground and ask questions. Stay within the focus lines of the Confrontation Model. Ask for his reply. The more you get him to talk and state the facts, the less aggressive he acts and the more balance between you and he exists.

Passive
A passive person allows others to choose for him in order to avoid conflict. The result of this action often is the lack of achievement of desired goals. During the confrontation, their main objective is to shut down and make you frustrated--that is a tactic! This behavior usually generates feelings of self-denial, anxiety, and resentment. The passive behavior denies a person from expressing his or her true feelings. It ignores personal rights of the individual acting passive , as well as others who want to collaborate. On the other hand, passive behavior tempts others to infringe on those rights. The effect on others is that they may feel either guilty or superior.

Your approach: Confront with respect. Avoid talking down to them. Keep positive and offer genuine excitement. Maintain good eye contact and sincere nonverbals. Avoid aggressive communication behavior. Speak one-to-one or privately rather than with others around or in groups. Recommend that you both sit down. Listen carefully and let the passive person assume the lead. Agree when possible and offer encouragement often. Ask for recommendations. Stir a little creativity in their minds--they will respect you for it.

Assertive
A person who practices assertiveness expresses his or her feelings openly and honestly in such a way that the rights of others are not infringed upon. The assertive person acts out his own needs and desires, without denying others their own needs
Excerpt from HVC--Page 81

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